“All I’m saying is that old people need to be old people. You need oldness. You need to see old people. You need to go “Right, they might have a solution they’ve been on the earth longer. Quick, we need an answer. How old are yer? – I’m 32 – Well you look 78!” “

I work in customer service and do site moderation and a whole slew of other things for a well known online dating service.  As I write this, I am in the midst of what has now been a 25 (and ongoing) minute conversation with a man who just does not understand what “Copy and Pasting” is.  He really just doesn’t get it at all.

The following are actual quotes from this man during our conversation:

“Highlight what?”

“Why would I use glue paste on a computer?”

“Sooo… what do you mean by Notepad?  Do I have to print something off and glue it in a notebook?”

“What’s a right click?”

After explaining 14 times how to drag and highlight he says, “But the words aren’t dragging to anywhere”

Sigh.  This day has gone to hell.  I need a cocktail.

Today’s online dating profile quote comes courtesy of a man I truly hope I never meet in real life.  He scares me quite a bit actually.

Read it and weep:

“I want a woman to shit on me.   I also like to be peed on.  I want to drink your pee and then smell and feel your shit all over me.  After we’re done, I would love to sit and discuss politics and current events with you.  Or maybe we can chat about our favorite movies.  Like, do you use Netflix?   I have a wide range of interests but mainly, I just want to be shit on.  Thank you for reading, I look forward to hearing from you soon!”

You can’t tell me this guy is officially the man of your dreams.

I’d like to wish a very Hippie 40th Barfday to one of the funniest and smartest women in the world, the lovely Ms. Tina Fey.  I stopped watching Saturday Night Live after she left because well, I didn’t see any point.  Tina Fey is a comic genius and the show went into the shitter (and has stayed there) ever since she left.

So Hippie Barfday, Tina Fey!  The world needs more funny women like you.

Remember Chris Klein?  He was in all of the American Pie movies (except maybe the last 18 of them) and was at one time betrothed to Katie Holmes, who is now officially a robot.

This video shows Chris (and his unbelievably scary bug eyes) auditioning for a role in Mamma Mia.  WTF.  I really don’t know if I can believe this is real.  The moment he opened his mouth to sing, my ears started gushing blood and now I’m drenched.  Sick shit.

If this is real, it’s no wonder he never got a part in the movie.  What they don’t show is the producers head exploding behind camera.  If this isn’t real, well, it’s not even funny so I have no idea what the point of it would be.  Either way, if you’re nursing a killer hangover this morning, don’t watch this video.  You could very well die.

At least he can console himself with knowing that his ex-girlfriend’s husband is a gay fish.  Because if there’s anything Tom Cruise loves, it’s fish sticks.

So here’s Playboy Playmate Jenna Bentley (yeah I have no idea who she is either) sucking face with… THAT.  I have no idea who this guy is but I assume he’s so rich he eats gold (which would also explain that stunning gut).  There are so many things wrong with this picture, I don’t even know where to begin.

The thing I wonder most in these situations is does this guy really think she’s with him for his looks or even his personality?  Why can’t we just call this what it is:  A hooker getting paid to suck face with a fat old guy.

Also, thank God for the whole feminist movement (all three waves of them!) eh?   All those women working so hard for equality and now in 2010, we get this, which pretty much sets the whole movement back about 600 years.  High fives all around!!

This isn’t the guy who wrote the following but I imagine he looks exactly like this.

Anyway, enjoy:

“I am looking for a pretty not overweight woman in her 30’s or 40’s that is sick of housework and would love for a submissive guy like me to do it each week for her. Absolutely no strings attached and no expectations. I would love to do this for a sexy woman. I have done this before – lots of women have men who do their bidding, its just that they dont tell anyone about them! Lets chat!

One of my personal favorite fantasies is I meet a woman and after the first date or so, she insists that I wear what she tells me to, and start doing as she tells me to, or she hints she is going to tell my boss or co workers about what a sissy I am. So, I must try and keep her very happy by doing her housework, and bringing flowers, perfume, gift certificates. Kiss her ass basically. She insists that if I don’t keep her happy, I  will be humiliated in front of my friends and co workers. I wouldn’t really like her to do this, but she makes me think she just might, so I become a little henpecked boyfriend so to speak, doing as I’m told, housework, yes ma’am, no ma’am, cooking, doing errands, just to make her life better for her. She gets my bosses email and makes me think she would use it and maybe email her some pictures of me. She says she would tell her about how I do what I’m told and do her housework, etc.

So, you can see that my wee-wee has gotten me into a little jam with no way out. She gets to dictate what I wear, when I will do her housework, what I will do for her. It sounds devilishly fun!”

If this appeals to you, let me know and I can totally hook you up.  I’m sweet like that.

If you want your mind blown and your senses to explode all over your computer, you must watch this video.  This comes from a little band called Mates of State who happen to be my favourite band of all time.  This is one of their best songs and the video is just plain awesome.

Watch and enjoy.

And once again, you’re welcome for introducing you to the best music in the world.  I do what I can.

Best-selling author Robert Munsch, whose books you probably read as a child, has admitted that he loves the Devil’s Dandruff or the Columbian Marching Powder or as I like to call it, “Breakfast”.

Munsch not only admitted to loving the pure white snow, but he also loves the booze and says it’s all a result of his bi-polar disorder.    He claims that he’s been clean for four months.

I think this is just plain sad all around.

For starters,  sniffing the white goddess and chugging the tequila has clearly worked well for him.  I mean, his books are amazing.   I think the cocaine and booze should take full credit for that.  Now that he’s sober, his books are probably going to suck.

Second, why don’t we get to see pictures of Robert Munsch flashing his bare crotch outside of a club in L.A. or falling all over himself while stumbling out of a bar at 4 a.m?  We get the Lindsay’s, the Paris’, the Mischa’s and the rest, but I’d much rather see this guy all messed up.

Anyway, I’m hoping he gets back on the good stuff and continues to write amazing stories for kids and grown ups alike.  He should try and incorporate the things he loves in his personal life to his stories!  Kids need to learn at a young age how much cooler they would be if they snorted, injected or just rolled around in huge piles of drugs.  These are important life lessons people – and someone needs to teach the children.

(courtesy of The Calgary Herald)

Here’s another gem for you from my huge pool of dating profiles.  This girl is just gross.  Was it really necessary to include this in her profile?  I don’t think so…

“If you don’t mind having messy sex when it’s a girl’s time of the month that’s a HUGE plus!”

Really, lady?  That’s all you’re looking for in a man?  I suppose she could be some kind of freak who only likes having sex when she’s ON her period.  Which makes this even worse.  Either way, this lady is an idiot but I hope she finds love with a man who only wants to have sex with bleeding women.  Everyone deserves to be happy.

Maybe she can date the guy who just wrote this in his profile:  “I can have vajagna no?”  Anyone know what a vajagna is?